Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Eating at the Y
As some of my friends (and every girl I've been with) know, I'm pretty excited at thought of oral sex. And giving more than receiving. I really, really enjoy eating pussy. I'm not going to lie. As I've said before, sometimes I enjoy it more than sex. And no, that's not a statement on my sexual partners, that's just how much I enjoy it.
I love that power. I love being able to completely manipulate how someone reacts. A little bit is the control. I'm also a pleaser. It's pretty obvious in my every day life that I'm a pleaser. I go out of my way for people that really don't deserve it.
But I had a new fantasy today. I thought I would share it.
It's dark and rainy outside. Raining pretty good actually. One of those warm summer rains. Not too humid, just warm. The rain drops give slight relief to the heat of the air all over our bodies. My car is running and the lights are on, but we're in front of it and her shirt is pulled up over her tits. The inside of her skirt is resting on the back of my head while she rests her ass on the hood bracing herself with her hands trying not to yell out while my tongue plays with her clit and she can feel the heat of the engine running against her.
Enjoy :)
I love that power. I love being able to completely manipulate how someone reacts. A little bit is the control. I'm also a pleaser. It's pretty obvious in my every day life that I'm a pleaser. I go out of my way for people that really don't deserve it.
But I had a new fantasy today. I thought I would share it.
It's dark and rainy outside. Raining pretty good actually. One of those warm summer rains. Not too humid, just warm. The rain drops give slight relief to the heat of the air all over our bodies. My car is running and the lights are on, but we're in front of it and her shirt is pulled up over her tits. The inside of her skirt is resting on the back of my head while she rests her ass on the hood bracing herself with her hands trying not to yell out while my tongue plays with her clit and she can feel the heat of the engine running against her.
Enjoy :)
Wise words
A friend of mine wrote this last night and I think it's absolutely perfect. So here ya go...
a couple of hundred years ago, benjamin franklin shared with the world the secret of his success: 'never leave that 'til tomorrow that which you could do today.' this is the man who discovered electricity.. you'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. i don't know why we put things off, but if i had to guess, i'd say it has a lot to do with fear. fear of failure.. fear of pain.. fear of rejection.. sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? what if you make a mistake you can't undo? whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true – there comes a time when the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it.
the early bird catches the worm.. a stitch in time saves nine.. he who hesitates is lost.. we can't pretend we haven't been told. we've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'. still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. we have to make our own mistakes. we have to learn our own lessons. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.. until we finally understand for ourselves what benjamin franklin meant: that knowing is better than wondering.. that waking is better than sleeping.. and that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.
but with that comes pain. pain comes in all forms. the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. we self-medicate, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.
pain.. sometimes you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers. you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time, pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, it hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. this pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.
communication's the first thing we really learn in life. the funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say.. or how to ask for what we really need.
at the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about.. some things we just don't want to hear.. and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. some things you say because you have no other choice. some things you keep to yourself. and not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.
after careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here's what i've decided:
there's no such thing as a grown up. we move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own.. but the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. we get bigger, we get taller, we get older.. but for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying desperately to fit in.
a couple of hundred years ago, benjamin franklin shared with the world the secret of his success: 'never leave that 'til tomorrow that which you could do today.' this is the man who discovered electricity.. you'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. i don't know why we put things off, but if i had to guess, i'd say it has a lot to do with fear. fear of failure.. fear of pain.. fear of rejection.. sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? what if you make a mistake you can't undo? whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true – there comes a time when the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it.
the early bird catches the worm.. a stitch in time saves nine.. he who hesitates is lost.. we can't pretend we haven't been told. we've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'. still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. we have to make our own mistakes. we have to learn our own lessons. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.. until we finally understand for ourselves what benjamin franklin meant: that knowing is better than wondering.. that waking is better than sleeping.. and that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.
but with that comes pain. pain comes in all forms. the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. we self-medicate, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.
pain.. sometimes you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers. you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time, pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, it hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. this pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.
communication's the first thing we really learn in life. the funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say.. or how to ask for what we really need.
at the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about.. some things we just don't want to hear.. and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. some things you say because you have no other choice. some things you keep to yourself. and not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.
after careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here's what i've decided:
there's no such thing as a grown up. we move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own.. but the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. we get bigger, we get taller, we get older.. but for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying desperately to fit in.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I'm on the list
So, today was really, really weird.
First, a little back story. I've been directing at work for about a year. (I work at a television station) I've also been the back up asst. director for about a year and a half. When an asst. director job opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. When two director's jobs opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. Not so much. Got passed up for all 3 positions for one reason or another.
Anyway. We have mandatory meetings 4 times a year. First day of sweeps (or periods in the year where the ratings are taken) is always interesting because these meetings are at 12:30 which means more like 1:15. That may sound fine to you but our producers get up around 10pm at night, I get up around 3am and I'm usually off by 9:30-10am and asleep by noon so trying to stay awake is pretty interesting.
At said meetings they give out these awards for... excellence i suppose. Today, I got one. I'm the only part timer to get one so far.
I'm not the type of guy that needs awards and such but it's nice to know someone is paying attention. And good god was it terrifying standing up in front of EVERYONE that works at my station. Jesus
First, a little back story. I've been directing at work for about a year. (I work at a television station) I've also been the back up asst. director for about a year and a half. When an asst. director job opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. When two director's jobs opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. Not so much. Got passed up for all 3 positions for one reason or another.
Anyway. We have mandatory meetings 4 times a year. First day of sweeps (or periods in the year where the ratings are taken) is always interesting because these meetings are at 12:30 which means more like 1:15. That may sound fine to you but our producers get up around 10pm at night, I get up around 3am and I'm usually off by 9:30-10am and asleep by noon so trying to stay awake is pretty interesting.
At said meetings they give out these awards for... excellence i suppose. Today, I got one. I'm the only part timer to get one so far.
I'm not the type of guy that needs awards and such but it's nice to know someone is paying attention. And good god was it terrifying standing up in front of EVERYONE that works at my station. Jesus
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Hunter
“Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibility to erase the narrow confines of most men’s reality. Weird heroes and mould-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of ‘the rat race’ is not yet final.”
—The Great Shark Hunt, 1979
“Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish—a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow—to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested . . . Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
“We are turning into a nation of whimpering slaves to Fear—fear of war, fear of poverty, fear of random terrorism, fear of getting down-sized or fired because of the plunging economy, fear of getting evicted for bad debts or suddenly getting locked up in a military detention camp on vague charges of being a Terrorist sympathizer.”
—”Extreme Behavior in Aspen,” February 3, 2003
“There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
—The Great Shark Hunt, 1979
“Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish—a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow—to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested . . . Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
“We are turning into a nation of whimpering slaves to Fear—fear of war, fear of poverty, fear of random terrorism, fear of getting down-sized or fired because of the plunging economy, fear of getting evicted for bad debts or suddenly getting locked up in a military detention camp on vague charges of being a Terrorist sympathizer.”
—”Extreme Behavior in Aspen,” February 3, 2003
“There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
Friday, April 18, 2008
You get worked (drunk blog)
I've had a falling out with three people I consider close in the past few weeks. Two of them in the past week or so. Obviously, it's something I'm doing to push them away. I get that.
But I can't be anyone but who I am. I can try to be better every day. Some days I fail. Some days I don't. And some days, like today, it's enough to just hold steady.
Today was a little rough. There was an earthquake about 200 miles from where I live in Dayton and it blew up the entire show. Breaking news is always fun because it's a mile a minute and time passes very quickly. But on the other hand, it's really stressful because it's a mile a minute and it's not uncommon to have 30 seconds left in a commercial break and have no idea what we're doing next.
After the week I've had with the fallings out and today's stress, I needed a beer. I'm a little drunk writing this, but I think that's just fine.
So anyway, back to the girls. One, who I'll call H wasn't that big of a deal. We would get together, watch baseball, drink beer, eat unhealthy food and have sex. Was nice but we didn't really connect in a deep way. I need a more girly girl. The sex was good, and it will be missed, but I've lived without it since the ex and I broke up, and I lived.
Now, the second, I'll call M, is a lot bigger deal. I've known M for about 2 years now. I met her about 6 months into my relationship with Michele. We were broken up at the time and M and I started flirting pretty intensely. Michele and I got back together and her and I always reminded friends. Now that I've started looking for jobs, things had gone farther. She always said she wanted to be with me and now that it's a potential option, she's freaking. Suddenly there's interest in her ex and all that. I have pretty serious feelings for her which I started to let develop when this looked like it was going to be a real possibility.
And now it's not. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't playing games. I trusted her completely and I still do in a way. She's one of the most genuine people in the world. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened. I dunno.
Any suggestions?
-M
But I can't be anyone but who I am. I can try to be better every day. Some days I fail. Some days I don't. And some days, like today, it's enough to just hold steady.
Today was a little rough. There was an earthquake about 200 miles from where I live in Dayton and it blew up the entire show. Breaking news is always fun because it's a mile a minute and time passes very quickly. But on the other hand, it's really stressful because it's a mile a minute and it's not uncommon to have 30 seconds left in a commercial break and have no idea what we're doing next.
After the week I've had with the fallings out and today's stress, I needed a beer. I'm a little drunk writing this, but I think that's just fine.
So anyway, back to the girls. One, who I'll call H wasn't that big of a deal. We would get together, watch baseball, drink beer, eat unhealthy food and have sex. Was nice but we didn't really connect in a deep way. I need a more girly girl. The sex was good, and it will be missed, but I've lived without it since the ex and I broke up, and I lived.
Now, the second, I'll call M, is a lot bigger deal. I've known M for about 2 years now. I met her about 6 months into my relationship with Michele. We were broken up at the time and M and I started flirting pretty intensely. Michele and I got back together and her and I always reminded friends. Now that I've started looking for jobs, things had gone farther. She always said she wanted to be with me and now that it's a potential option, she's freaking. Suddenly there's interest in her ex and all that. I have pretty serious feelings for her which I started to let develop when this looked like it was going to be a real possibility.
And now it's not. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't playing games. I trusted her completely and I still do in a way. She's one of the most genuine people in the world. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened. I dunno.
Any suggestions?
-M
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Last year's wishes are this year's apologies
From time to time my mind will wander back to my ex, Michele and I'll not be able to think about much else for a few weeks. I drift off during work. I lose sleep at night. Last night I couldn't fall asleep for about 2 hours and ended up being late for work.
Michele and I had a long, difficult break up. We were together for around 2 years but off and on for the last year and a half. Between her ignoring me and us fighting, there was a lot of wasted time. In theory, we worked. She lived 4 hours north of me and we would try to see each other at least once a month when finances and schedules worked out. Other times, we texted, chatted online and talked on the phone as most couples do. Granted, I was more into the relationship and wanted to talk more than she did. She's pretty independent and I'm pretty insecure.
I'm not too entirely sure what went wrong. It wasn't cheating. She told me after we broke up about that, but it wasn't the reason we broke up. Not the big reason I suppose. I know I wanted more. I wanted her to move down here or me up there. I'm very close to my family but I know I was willing to give up everything down here and move up there if we could be together.
She's not all bad, of course. She's young. Not ready for what I thought I was ready for. I don't blame her for not wanting all that. I do blame her for how all of it went about, though.
But there's a part of me that still wants her to be around. I emailed her the other day and told her I still wanted the lines of communication to be open. She doesn't deserve it. She didn't deserve all the chance I gave her to make it right. But I'm a sucker for her and still keep going back. And while this isn't a play to get her back (she's with someone and I'm happy she's happy), I just know I felt a lot better when she was in my life and I know I could talk to her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
-M
Michele and I had a long, difficult break up. We were together for around 2 years but off and on for the last year and a half. Between her ignoring me and us fighting, there was a lot of wasted time. In theory, we worked. She lived 4 hours north of me and we would try to see each other at least once a month when finances and schedules worked out. Other times, we texted, chatted online and talked on the phone as most couples do. Granted, I was more into the relationship and wanted to talk more than she did. She's pretty independent and I'm pretty insecure.
I'm not too entirely sure what went wrong. It wasn't cheating. She told me after we broke up about that, but it wasn't the reason we broke up. Not the big reason I suppose. I know I wanted more. I wanted her to move down here or me up there. I'm very close to my family but I know I was willing to give up everything down here and move up there if we could be together.
She's not all bad, of course. She's young. Not ready for what I thought I was ready for. I don't blame her for not wanting all that. I do blame her for how all of it went about, though.
But there's a part of me that still wants her to be around. I emailed her the other day and told her I still wanted the lines of communication to be open. She doesn't deserve it. She didn't deserve all the chance I gave her to make it right. But I'm a sucker for her and still keep going back. And while this isn't a play to get her back (she's with someone and I'm happy she's happy), I just know I felt a lot better when she was in my life and I know I could talk to her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
-M
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Hum hallelujah
There's always been an undercurrent of religion in my life. Either from my mother, grandfather (both very religious) or from me. I've been trying to figure out what I really believe since I was in my early teens.
Most of the time, it depended on what day you asked me. Half the time I thought there was a god and Jesus died for our signs and half the time I was a complete atheist. I've always been told I'm more of a scientific person. I have to see it to believe it. And while that isn't true in all cases, it does seem to apply to me most of the time. And that's where my problem with religion comes in.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's admirable that people are willing to believe that there's something more important than them. I think it shows just how "un-selfish" we can really be. And as one of those hippies that thinks we should all be brothers and sisters, that really appeals to me. But what I have a problem with is that the earth is 6,000 years old, a guy with magic powers died because we do bad things and that a supreme being takes an interest in all 6 billion of our lives simultaneously.
Again, don't get me wrong. Like any good scientist, or realist, I don't discount anything. I think it's really possible all that happens. And it's also that some crazy motherfucker back in the day SAID he was all of those things and people believed him and the Romans were like "who da fux is dis guy? Kill his ass. I don't want his kind of crazy infecting my people." And I think it's equally possible its all a system of control.
Now, this is going to make me sound like a kook. Ever seen The Matrix? A lot of people have. Now, I don't realistically think that we're all hooked into a giant computer, waiting for giant machines to liquefy us. Sure, it's possible. But the main theme of that movie, in my opinion, is control. Is religion another system of control? Is it a reason for our leaders to get us to fight their wars? Get them to trust their judgment because they are men of god?
People like Pat Robertson make my fight to figure out the truth all that much harder. Institutionalized religion offends so much of what I believe in. I really don't know how we're supposed to trust that they have a direct link to god and know exactly what he wants us to do or they know who we're supposed to love or what kind of birth control we're allowed to use.
I guess I'm just not trusting enough.
-M
Most of the time, it depended on what day you asked me. Half the time I thought there was a god and Jesus died for our signs and half the time I was a complete atheist. I've always been told I'm more of a scientific person. I have to see it to believe it. And while that isn't true in all cases, it does seem to apply to me most of the time. And that's where my problem with religion comes in.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's admirable that people are willing to believe that there's something more important than them. I think it shows just how "un-selfish" we can really be. And as one of those hippies that thinks we should all be brothers and sisters, that really appeals to me. But what I have a problem with is that the earth is 6,000 years old, a guy with magic powers died because we do bad things and that a supreme being takes an interest in all 6 billion of our lives simultaneously.
Again, don't get me wrong. Like any good scientist, or realist, I don't discount anything. I think it's really possible all that happens. And it's also that some crazy motherfucker back in the day SAID he was all of those things and people believed him and the Romans were like "who da fux is dis guy? Kill his ass. I don't want his kind of crazy infecting my people." And I think it's equally possible its all a system of control.
Now, this is going to make me sound like a kook. Ever seen The Matrix? A lot of people have. Now, I don't realistically think that we're all hooked into a giant computer, waiting for giant machines to liquefy us. Sure, it's possible. But the main theme of that movie, in my opinion, is control. Is religion another system of control? Is it a reason for our leaders to get us to fight their wars? Get them to trust their judgment because they are men of god?
People like Pat Robertson make my fight to figure out the truth all that much harder. Institutionalized religion offends so much of what I believe in. I really don't know how we're supposed to trust that they have a direct link to god and know exactly what he wants us to do or they know who we're supposed to love or what kind of birth control we're allowed to use.
I guess I'm just not trusting enough.
-M
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Breathe
I am a liar. I'm your friend, your co-worker and your mailman. I lie. Every day. And I need somewhere that I can be completely honest. I know its my insecurities and questionable morals that keep me in fear of someone finding out who I really am.
I have no idea if I'll ever update this again. Maybe this is just a momentary crisis in my life. But there's no crisis currently going on. Everything is normal.
I have no idea if I'll ever update this again. Maybe this is just a momentary crisis in my life. But there's no crisis currently going on. Everything is normal.
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