I'm on the list

So, today was really, really weird.

First, a little back story. I've been directing at work for about a year. (I work at a television station) I've also been the back up asst. director for about a year and a half. When an asst. director job opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. When two director's jobs opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. Not so much. Got passed up for all 3 positions for one reason or another.

Anyway. We have mandatory meetings 4 times a year. First day of sweeps (or periods in the year where the ratings are taken) is always interesting because these meetings are at 12:30 which means more like 1:15. That may sound fine to you but our producers get up around 10pm at night, I get up around 3am and I'm usually off by 9:30-10am and asleep by noon so trying to stay awake is pretty interesting.

At said meetings they give out these awards for... excellence i suppose. Today, I got one. I'm the only part timer to get one so far.

I'm not the type of guy that needs awards and such but it's nice to know someone is paying attention. And good god was it terrifying standing up in front of EVERYONE that works at my station. Jesus

You get worked (drunk blog)

I've had a falling out with three people I consider close in the past few weeks. Two of them in the past week or so. Obviously, it's something I'm doing to push them away. I get that.

But I can't be anyone but who I am. I can try to be better every day. Some days I fail. Some days I don't. And some days, like today, it's enough to just hold steady.

Today was a little rough. There was an earthquake about 200 miles from where I live in Dayton and it blew up the entire show. Breaking news is always fun because it's a mile a minute and time passes very quickly. But on the other hand, it's really stressful because it's a mile a minute and it's not uncommon to have 30 seconds left in a commercial break and have no idea what we're doing next.

After the week I've had with the fallings out and today's stress, I needed a beer. I'm a little drunk writing this, but I think that's just fine.

So anyway, back to the girls. One, who I'll call H wasn't that big of a deal. We would get together, watch baseball, drink beer, eat unhealthy food and have sex. Was nice but we didn't really connect in a deep way. I need a more girly girl. The sex was good, and it will be missed, but I've lived without it since the ex and I broke up, and I lived.

Now, the second, I'll call M, is a lot bigger deal. I've known M for about 2 years now. I met her about 6 months into my relationship with Michele. We were broken up at the time and M and I started flirting pretty intensely. Michele and I got back together and her and I always reminded friends. Now that I've started looking for jobs, things had gone farther. She always said she wanted to be with me and now that it's a potential option, she's freaking. Suddenly there's interest in her ex and all that. I have pretty serious feelings for her which I started to let develop when this looked like it was going to be a real possibility.

And now it's not. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't playing games. I trusted her completely and I still do in a way. She's one of the most genuine people in the world. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened. I dunno.

Any suggestions?

-M