Not really :) But I am watching Anchorman with the roommates. So far, VA has been great. I'm really loving it here. Roommates are wonderful, job is kicking ass. Only thing I'm missing is the relationship aspect. I'm not too sure what I want to do right now. The ex and I finally had it out and we're completely done. It was my choice to cut off all communication and I'm finally okay with it. It needed to happen to move on.
And I feel like I am moving on. I honestly realize that I was further away from her than I realized. And it makes me happy. I'm just in a good place right now. I will admit I'm a material person. I like having cool things. I like having an HDTV. I like having an iPhone and a GPS and a new laptop. These things are tiding me over until I can find that other part. I like what I do and where I come home to so I'm maintaining.
But, ladies, I am looking ;-)
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Cellophane
Don’t take the time to makes sure all is fine; that’s what I get.
Lost all connections; I can’t seem to cope
Love is a monkey, I'm the junkie and now you ain’t got the dope
Many, many smart people have told me that love is like a drug. Moving to a new place, experiencing new emotions and new parts of life has finally taught me a lesson. One of those big lessons. One of those lessons that I probably should have already learned.
There's a big difference between knowing the outcome of a situation and living through the outcome of that situation.
I've blogged a lot about my ex recently. And my life has in one way or another centered around my ex the past four years. When you're my age, four years is a long time. I would think it would be a long time for a person of any age. But as with any drug, I'm going through withdraw. There's always been hope in the past. Always been the little voice inside my head saying, "I know it feels bad now but don't worry about it. You're going to be back together and you'll be happy."
But the voice isn't there this time. I may have killed it. I know this would be easier if I was telling myself everything would be fine. Now, I'm sure I'll be fine. But there's a difference. I've always told myself I'd be fine with HER. And now I finally know its over. It's been such a sick, sad, destructive journey. For her it's been over for a long time. For me, its just ending. Again.
Perhaps the thing that hurts the worst was that I was good enough to be there for her when she felt like shit. But not good enough to acknowledge at any other point. Now, I don't know where to go. I work. I sleep. I drink. Maybe that's normal for people my age. I've never really known what normal is. My idea of a good time may not be the same as your idea of a good time. What's acceptable behavior to me may not be acceptable behavior to you.
I've always looked at my life kind of like a pyramid. And I'm sure that's stupid to whoever is reading, but its who I am. At the bottom I had my family, my job and the knowledge that she was always at least around. Always at least a part of my life. I was building for that top block. My idea of true happiness. And now I feel unbalanced. I feel like I'm tilting to my right about to fall over.
I guess I have nothing to do but work and drink and sleep until I figure out where to go from here.
There's a big difference between knowing the outcome of a situation and living through the outcome of that situation.
I've blogged a lot about my ex recently. And my life has in one way or another centered around my ex the past four years. When you're my age, four years is a long time. I would think it would be a long time for a person of any age. But as with any drug, I'm going through withdraw. There's always been hope in the past. Always been the little voice inside my head saying, "I know it feels bad now but don't worry about it. You're going to be back together and you'll be happy."
But the voice isn't there this time. I may have killed it. I know this would be easier if I was telling myself everything would be fine. Now, I'm sure I'll be fine. But there's a difference. I've always told myself I'd be fine with HER. And now I finally know its over. It's been such a sick, sad, destructive journey. For her it's been over for a long time. For me, its just ending. Again.
Perhaps the thing that hurts the worst was that I was good enough to be there for her when she felt like shit. But not good enough to acknowledge at any other point. Now, I don't know where to go. I work. I sleep. I drink. Maybe that's normal for people my age. I've never really known what normal is. My idea of a good time may not be the same as your idea of a good time. What's acceptable behavior to me may not be acceptable behavior to you.
I've always looked at my life kind of like a pyramid. And I'm sure that's stupid to whoever is reading, but its who I am. At the bottom I had my family, my job and the knowledge that she was always at least around. Always at least a part of my life. I was building for that top block. My idea of true happiness. And now I feel unbalanced. I feel like I'm tilting to my right about to fall over.
I guess I have nothing to do but work and drink and sleep until I figure out where to go from here.
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