Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ho Ho Ho and a big fuck you

Hello, all. Sorry about the lack of posting in the past month. Absolutely a ton has gone on. First, and biggest thing being, I found myself a pretty nice lady. We're in a very happy relationship. She lives about an hour away so we're making an effort to see each other a few times a week. I usually go to her city during the week and she comes up and stays on the weekends. Right now we're apart because of Christmas. She's up in Mass. right now with her family going nuts. We're texting every 5 seconds telling each other how much we miss each other. She was going to drive to my home town from where she is a few days after xmas (about a 13 hour drive) to be with me while I'm on vacation and to attend to a wedding I'm an usher in. How amazing is this girl? We finally found a cheap flight so she's going to fly out that same morning. I'm taking her home to meet the family about a month after we've been dating. I think that, more than anything speaks to how much I like her. Honestly, I love her. And I havent said anything yet because we've both been in some crazy ass relationships in the past and have some walls. I dont want to freak her out. We're going to be together on New Year's Eve and I think I'm going to tell her then. I have a little mental image in my head of kissing her at midnight and whispering in her ear that I Love Her. I cant wait! If we dont kill each other after about 20 hours in a car together, aI don't think anything can stop us.

Michele is out of the picture. She tried to send pictures and be flirty and such. The new girlfriend told me to tell her that Michele could fuck me, but she had to fuck my girlfriend first. Yes, that's how cool my girlfriend is.

I'm the happiest I've ever been. Ever since I moved here my mindset that this was just a stop on my way back to Ohio. I don't know about that anymore.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

Trapped in a glass case of emotion

Not really :) But I am watching Anchorman with the roommates. So far, VA has been great. I'm really loving it here. Roommates are wonderful, job is kicking ass. Only thing I'm missing is the relationship aspect. I'm not too sure what I want to do right now. The ex and I finally had it out and we're completely done. It was my choice to cut off all communication and I'm finally okay with it. It needed to happen to move on.

And I feel like I am moving on. I honestly realize that I was further away from her than I realized. And it makes me happy. I'm just in a good place right now. I will admit I'm a material person. I like having cool things. I like having an HDTV. I like having an iPhone and a GPS and a new laptop. These things are tiding me over until I can find that other part. I like what I do and where I come home to so I'm maintaining.

But, ladies, I am looking ;-)

Sunday, November 2, 2008


What was I thinking? What’d I expect?
Don’t take the time to makes sure all is fine; that’s what I get.
Lost all connections; I can’t seem to cope
Love is a monkey, I'm the junkie and now you ain’t got the dope

Many, many smart people have told me that love is like a drug. Moving to a new place, experiencing new emotions and new parts of life has finally taught me a lesson. One of those big lessons. One of those lessons that I probably should have already learned.

There's a big difference between knowing the outcome of a situation and living through the outcome of that situation.

I've blogged a lot about my ex recently. And my life has in one way or another centered around my ex the past four years. When you're my age, four years is a long time. I would think it would be a long time for a person of any age. But as with any drug, I'm going through withdraw. There's always been hope in the past. Always been the little voice inside my head saying, "I know it feels bad now but don't worry about it. You're going to be back together and you'll be happy."

But the voice isn't there this time. I may have killed it. I know this would be easier if I was telling myself everything would be fine. Now, I'm sure I'll be fine. But there's a difference. I've always told myself I'd be fine with HER. And now I finally know its over. It's been such a sick, sad, destructive journey. For her it's been over for a long time. For me, its just ending. Again.

Perhaps the thing that hurts the worst was that I was good enough to be there for her when she felt like shit. But not good enough to acknowledge at any other point. Now, I don't know where to go. I work. I sleep. I drink. Maybe that's normal for people my age. I've never really known what normal is. My idea of a good time may not be the same as your idea of a good time. What's acceptable behavior to me may not be acceptable behavior to you.

I've always looked at my life kind of like a pyramid. And I'm sure that's stupid to whoever is reading, but its who I am. At the bottom I had my family, my job and the knowledge that she was always at least around. Always at least a part of my life. I was building for that top block. My idea of true happiness. And now I feel unbalanced. I feel like I'm tilting to my right about to fall over.

I guess I have nothing to do but work and drink and sleep until I figure out where to go from here.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The end

Well, I think I can finally say the things with the ex are over. As I've posted, we've been talking on and off. More off than on. On weekends usually I'd get texts to the effect of "It's amazing how much time you can manage to spend apart even in a one bedroom apartment" and "I'm trapped in this awful relationship" and of course the pictures. The basically naked pictures. The "I thought you would appreciate these" pictures.

All of that ended tonight. I was woken up by a call from her. She was listening to me as I said "Michele?" Me, being the romantic that I am, sent her a "<3" She texted back with a "Hi" and I sent three back. "Hi there." "Whats up" and "When you're ready, I'm here"

Well, being that I hadnt heard back from her, I went back to sleep when I was awoken by another call 40 minutes later. This one laced with every awful thing she could say to hurt me.

Don't talk to me anymore
You've caused too many problems with a boyfriend I'm happy with
It's never going to happen
It's over

Now, I'm not a smart man. I've never been super experienced with women being nuts. But I like to think I'm a study of human behavior. And to me, this is way out of left field. Way the fuck out of left field. I'm so fucking hurt. I don't even know what to say, really. I don't know how to process this. How do you do that to someone who has been there for you for four fucking years when you haven't done things to deserve it? Fuck you. Seriously.

As I told her. I've been having dreams about falling and the last thing I try to do before I hit is get in contact with her. And now, the last thing I would do is ever get in contact with her again.

Fuck her.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

If love is just a joke then why aren't we laughing?

Heard from the ex again Friday night. Went through an entire week of texting her with no response and around midnight got a text that said "I'm trapped in this terrible relationship". And we talked for a bit. Me more than her. Did the normal thing where I told her how much I wanted her and she told me more about the relationship. Her boyfriend made her quit her job so she's relying on him now. She understandably feels trapped by him. I want her here now. I do nothing but think about her. It's very obvious to me after four years I'm still as in love with her as I've ever been. I'm making excuses for how she's treating me. Maybe justified. Maybe not. I dont know if she's having trouble letting me in again, using me when she needs me or is just shutting down completely. I'd never let myself get into the situation she's in but I can see how she feels right now. I just want to help her whether we end up together or not. I love her. That to me means I want her to be happy no matter what. But I know I'd do anything to have her right now.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Live blogging 3

McCain just said he wants to put everyone's health records onlne... If hackers can hack their way into the pentagon, how could those records ever be safe? So out of touch

Live blogging

9:38 social security is going to be bankrupt within 30 years, think the guy who is 72 is really going to fight for it or the guy who is 47?how can we expect a president to lead us in the 21rst century dominated by technology that doesn't know how to send an email or work the google?