I don't know

Maybe this is just something I need to write down right now and I'll not feel this way again. I seriously doubt it.

The number of days I've sat here with this pain is getting to be ridiculous. I'm over you, I'm not. I'm content, I'm a basket case. This is a full body pain. Toes, knees, heart head. Especially head. I have my own little instant replay, just like on ESPN.

"Never put you down
Never pushed you away."

Which is the fucking problem. I never pushed you away after this was over according to one of us. I never fucking pushed you away. And now you're as much a part of my heart as the blood pumping through it. Once you do something for so long its impossible to break that cycle. And yes, sometimes it is impossible.

So why can't it be true that once you feel something for so long it's impossible to break that cycle too?

If this is so, I'm done for the rest of my life. You're it and you're gone.

I'm supposed to get a GPS for my birthday. Is it fucked up that the first thought was "I wonder how it would take me to Youngstown? Would it cut any time off my trip? Oh, remember that time I got caught doing 90 on the way to see her? And the one time she started driving down while I was working and I met her at home. And the one time when she came down so early that when she got there we made love and slept in each other's arms?"

You are the eternal sunshine on my spotless mind.

Without these memories you don't exist. Saved text messages from when I was drunk. Pictures of us I still cant bring myself to highlight and delete.

My heart breaks every month. 30 months. since we got together. How many hearbreaks have I endured?

Not enough. Because I still wont let go. I'm a crazy person and its not enough yet. I hold the tourch that's only got one ember burning.

This tourch will never will never have a flame and my arm long since went numb. But I don't care.

Because you're still the only one that makes it okay.