Hello, all. Sorry about the lack of posting in the past month. Absolutely a ton has gone on. First, and biggest thing being, I found myself a pretty nice lady. We're in a very happy relationship. She lives about an hour away so we're making an effort to see each other a few times a week. I usually go to her city during the week and she comes up and stays on the weekends. Right now we're apart because of Christmas. She's up in Mass. right now with her family going nuts. We're texting every 5 seconds telling each other how much we miss each other. She was going to drive to my home town from where she is a few days after xmas (about a 13 hour drive) to be with me while I'm on vacation and to attend to a wedding I'm an usher in. How amazing is this girl? We finally found a cheap flight so she's going to fly out that same morning. I'm taking her home to meet the family about a month after we've been dating. I think that, more than anything speaks to how much I like her. Honestly, I love her. And I havent said anything yet because we've both been in some crazy ass relationships in the past and have some walls. I dont want to freak her out. We're going to be together on New Year's Eve and I think I'm going to tell her then. I have a little mental image in my head of kissing her at midnight and whispering in her ear that I Love Her. I cant wait! If we dont kill each other after about 20 hours in a car together, aI don't think anything can stop us.
Michele is out of the picture. She tried to send pictures and be flirty and such. The new girlfriend told me to tell her that Michele could fuck me, but she had to fuck my girlfriend first. Yes, that's how cool my girlfriend is.
I'm the happiest I've ever been. Ever since I moved here my mindset that this was just a stop on my way back to Ohio. I don't know about that anymore.
-M
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Trapped in a glass case of emotion
Not really :) But I am watching Anchorman with the roommates. So far, VA has been great. I'm really loving it here. Roommates are wonderful, job is kicking ass. Only thing I'm missing is the relationship aspect. I'm not too sure what I want to do right now. The ex and I finally had it out and we're completely done. It was my choice to cut off all communication and I'm finally okay with it. It needed to happen to move on.
And I feel like I am moving on. I honestly realize that I was further away from her than I realized. And it makes me happy. I'm just in a good place right now. I will admit I'm a material person. I like having cool things. I like having an HDTV. I like having an iPhone and a GPS and a new laptop. These things are tiding me over until I can find that other part. I like what I do and where I come home to so I'm maintaining.
But, ladies, I am looking ;-)
And I feel like I am moving on. I honestly realize that I was further away from her than I realized. And it makes me happy. I'm just in a good place right now. I will admit I'm a material person. I like having cool things. I like having an HDTV. I like having an iPhone and a GPS and a new laptop. These things are tiding me over until I can find that other part. I like what I do and where I come home to so I'm maintaining.
But, ladies, I am looking ;-)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Cellophane
Don’t take the time to makes sure all is fine; that’s what I get.
Lost all connections; I can’t seem to cope
Love is a monkey, I'm the junkie and now you ain’t got the dope
Many, many smart people have told me that love is like a drug. Moving to a new place, experiencing new emotions and new parts of life has finally taught me a lesson. One of those big lessons. One of those lessons that I probably should have already learned.
There's a big difference between knowing the outcome of a situation and living through the outcome of that situation.
I've blogged a lot about my ex recently. And my life has in one way or another centered around my ex the past four years. When you're my age, four years is a long time. I would think it would be a long time for a person of any age. But as with any drug, I'm going through withdraw. There's always been hope in the past. Always been the little voice inside my head saying, "I know it feels bad now but don't worry about it. You're going to be back together and you'll be happy."
But the voice isn't there this time. I may have killed it. I know this would be easier if I was telling myself everything would be fine. Now, I'm sure I'll be fine. But there's a difference. I've always told myself I'd be fine with HER. And now I finally know its over. It's been such a sick, sad, destructive journey. For her it's been over for a long time. For me, its just ending. Again.
Perhaps the thing that hurts the worst was that I was good enough to be there for her when she felt like shit. But not good enough to acknowledge at any other point. Now, I don't know where to go. I work. I sleep. I drink. Maybe that's normal for people my age. I've never really known what normal is. My idea of a good time may not be the same as your idea of a good time. What's acceptable behavior to me may not be acceptable behavior to you.
I've always looked at my life kind of like a pyramid. And I'm sure that's stupid to whoever is reading, but its who I am. At the bottom I had my family, my job and the knowledge that she was always at least around. Always at least a part of my life. I was building for that top block. My idea of true happiness. And now I feel unbalanced. I feel like I'm tilting to my right about to fall over.
I guess I have nothing to do but work and drink and sleep until I figure out where to go from here.
There's a big difference between knowing the outcome of a situation and living through the outcome of that situation.
I've blogged a lot about my ex recently. And my life has in one way or another centered around my ex the past four years. When you're my age, four years is a long time. I would think it would be a long time for a person of any age. But as with any drug, I'm going through withdraw. There's always been hope in the past. Always been the little voice inside my head saying, "I know it feels bad now but don't worry about it. You're going to be back together and you'll be happy."
But the voice isn't there this time. I may have killed it. I know this would be easier if I was telling myself everything would be fine. Now, I'm sure I'll be fine. But there's a difference. I've always told myself I'd be fine with HER. And now I finally know its over. It's been such a sick, sad, destructive journey. For her it's been over for a long time. For me, its just ending. Again.
Perhaps the thing that hurts the worst was that I was good enough to be there for her when she felt like shit. But not good enough to acknowledge at any other point. Now, I don't know where to go. I work. I sleep. I drink. Maybe that's normal for people my age. I've never really known what normal is. My idea of a good time may not be the same as your idea of a good time. What's acceptable behavior to me may not be acceptable behavior to you.
I've always looked at my life kind of like a pyramid. And I'm sure that's stupid to whoever is reading, but its who I am. At the bottom I had my family, my job and the knowledge that she was always at least around. Always at least a part of my life. I was building for that top block. My idea of true happiness. And now I feel unbalanced. I feel like I'm tilting to my right about to fall over.
I guess I have nothing to do but work and drink and sleep until I figure out where to go from here.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The end
Well, I think I can finally say the things with the ex are over. As I've posted, we've been talking on and off. More off than on. On weekends usually I'd get texts to the effect of "It's amazing how much time you can manage to spend apart even in a one bedroom apartment" and "I'm trapped in this awful relationship" and of course the pictures. The basically naked pictures. The "I thought you would appreciate these" pictures.
All of that ended tonight. I was woken up by a call from her. She was listening to me as I said "Michele?" Me, being the romantic that I am, sent her a "<3" She texted back with a "Hi" and I sent three back. "Hi there." "Whats up" and "When you're ready, I'm here"
Well, being that I hadnt heard back from her, I went back to sleep when I was awoken by another call 40 minutes later. This one laced with every awful thing she could say to hurt me.
Don't talk to me anymore
You've caused too many problems with a boyfriend I'm happy with
It's never going to happen
It's over
Loser.
Now, I'm not a smart man. I've never been super experienced with women being nuts. But I like to think I'm a study of human behavior. And to me, this is way out of left field. Way the fuck out of left field. I'm so fucking hurt. I don't even know what to say, really. I don't know how to process this. How do you do that to someone who has been there for you for four fucking years when you haven't done things to deserve it? Fuck you. Seriously.
As I told her. I've been having dreams about falling and the last thing I try to do before I hit is get in contact with her. And now, the last thing I would do is ever get in contact with her again.
Fuck her.
All of that ended tonight. I was woken up by a call from her. She was listening to me as I said "Michele?" Me, being the romantic that I am, sent her a "<3" She texted back with a "Hi" and I sent three back. "Hi there." "Whats up" and "When you're ready, I'm here"
Well, being that I hadnt heard back from her, I went back to sleep when I was awoken by another call 40 minutes later. This one laced with every awful thing she could say to hurt me.
Don't talk to me anymore
You've caused too many problems with a boyfriend I'm happy with
It's never going to happen
It's over
Loser.
Now, I'm not a smart man. I've never been super experienced with women being nuts. But I like to think I'm a study of human behavior. And to me, this is way out of left field. Way the fuck out of left field. I'm so fucking hurt. I don't even know what to say, really. I don't know how to process this. How do you do that to someone who has been there for you for four fucking years when you haven't done things to deserve it? Fuck you. Seriously.
As I told her. I've been having dreams about falling and the last thing I try to do before I hit is get in contact with her. And now, the last thing I would do is ever get in contact with her again.
Fuck her.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
If love is just a joke then why aren't we laughing?
Heard from the ex again Friday night. Went through an entire week of texting her with no response and around midnight got a text that said "I'm trapped in this terrible relationship". And we talked for a bit. Me more than her. Did the normal thing where I told her how much I wanted her and she told me more about the relationship. Her boyfriend made her quit her job so she's relying on him now. She understandably feels trapped by him. I want her here now. I do nothing but think about her. It's very obvious to me after four years I'm still as in love with her as I've ever been. I'm making excuses for how she's treating me. Maybe justified. Maybe not. I dont know if she's having trouble letting me in again, using me when she needs me or is just shutting down completely. I'd never let myself get into the situation she's in but I can see how she feels right now. I just want to help her whether we end up together or not. I love her. That to me means I want her to be happy no matter what. But I know I'd do anything to have her right now.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Live blogging 3
McCain just said he wants to put everyone's health records onlne... If hackers can hack their way into the pentagon, how could those records ever be safe? So out of touch
Live blogging
9:38 social security is going to be bankrupt within 30 years, think the guy who is 72 is really going to fight for it or the guy who is 47?how can we expect a president to lead us in the 21rst century dominated by technology that doesn't know how to send an email or work the google?
Live blogging the debate
9:30- John Mccain doesn't answe questions. Obama threw an elbow early... Beautiful. Why doesn't McCain get that enrgy independence is the key to rebuilding our economy?
Pre-debate thoughts
Peter - "Hey Lois, look it's the two symbols of the Republican party, an elephant and a old fat white guy who's resistant to change."
Another day with nothing from the ex. I'd like to think she's busy with work and trying to figure things out and is coming around to the fact we should be together but I'm not holding my breath.
But it was a good day at work. Best one yet. Shows went really well except for our producer being an idiot per usual. I just don't understand how someone can keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
Unless you're in love.
Another day with nothing from the ex. I'd like to think she's busy with work and trying to figure things out and is coming around to the fact we should be together but I'm not holding my breath.
But it was a good day at work. Best one yet. Shows went really well except for our producer being an idiot per usual. I just don't understand how someone can keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
Unless you're in love.
Yup, I'm a cavalier
So, they offered me the job and here I am in Virginia. I haven't been able to get online to post but I just download an iPhone app which let's me post.
Virginia is great so far. I live near a college campus so the scenery is pretty nice :) I live with 3 people and they seem pretty cool so far. Haven't had any major problems with any of them. I just got back from a trip home and brought back some delacacies from home. Comfort food you might say.
The girl that I had a kind of close friendship with for a few years and I met up and nothing really happened. We hooked up and the sex was pretty decent. Nothing to write home about. We're still friends but I doubt anything further happens.
Which brings me to the ex. One night out of the blue we were talking and she sent suggestive pictures. Later on we were flirting heavily telling each other what we'd to to each other and such. She told me to jerk off to her, which of course I did.
We of course did the whole dance about getting back together and she shot down the idea. I poured my heart out to her over the weekend to which her response was "you've gotta stop..." as odd as it may sound, the dots on the end of that gave me hope.
Later on yesterday she asked me if there was a huge game on tv but she had planned something planned for us or something planned if I'd skip the game... Of course I said yes. And to be honest, my eyes would never leave her.
Unless Ohio st. was playing Michigan :)
Virginia is great so far. I live near a college campus so the scenery is pretty nice :) I live with 3 people and they seem pretty cool so far. Haven't had any major problems with any of them. I just got back from a trip home and brought back some delacacies from home. Comfort food you might say.
The girl that I had a kind of close friendship with for a few years and I met up and nothing really happened. We hooked up and the sex was pretty decent. Nothing to write home about. We're still friends but I doubt anything further happens.
Which brings me to the ex. One night out of the blue we were talking and she sent suggestive pictures. Later on we were flirting heavily telling each other what we'd to to each other and such. She told me to jerk off to her, which of course I did.
We of course did the whole dance about getting back together and she shot down the idea. I poured my heart out to her over the weekend to which her response was "you've gotta stop..." as odd as it may sound, the dots on the end of that gave me hope.
Later on yesterday she asked me if there was a huge game on tv but she had planned something planned for us or something planned if I'd skip the game... Of course I said yes. And to be honest, my eyes would never leave her.
Unless Ohio st. was playing Michigan :)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Could I be a Cavalier?
So, they offered me the job in Virginia. Maybe I'll be a Hokie. I think Cavalier better. But I'm giving my boss until Friday to find something out. I offered to give him more time but he said he wouldnt need it. I guess he's been talking to our business manager about me anyway. Said I'm a big part of the station. So, he's going to try and find a way to get me more money. I told him I wanted a pay bump. more hours and a title bump. So, I guess we'll see by this weekend if I'm a Buckeye or Cavalier
-M
-M
He doth returned
...Or something. Sorry I've been away so long. I've been having some computer troubles recently that havent allowed me to post.
Some big stuff has happened recently though.
On Friday I left for Virginia. I'm back now but I was there. I drove there Friday morning after working a double, so that was fun. Driving 7 hours through mountains after being up for 30 hours. But the drive was relaxing. I didnt smoke as much as I thought I would. And the scenery was amazing. I didn't stay long. Only until Saturday morning. I actually went for a job interview which went fabulously. I'm expecting them to make me an offer soon. Woohoo for directing every day.
I've mentioned Megan before, I believe. She lives about an hour away from where I was. Because of the abruptness of the visit she wasn't able to get off work and we didnt get to see each other. Which sucks, because, well, I really wanted to meet her. When you think about someone in the terms of a possibility of forever, and you're only an hour away from touching their face or hand or hair or what have you, and you don't get to see them, a little part of you makes your heart race and your skin hurt. My skin actually hurt on the way back.
But all in all, a good trip. I'm not sure I really want to leave Ohio. I really do like it here and my family is here. I'm not a person that likes change. Just moving out was crazy enough for me. Moving a 7 hour drive away? I dunno. I've been directing enough lately that if my boss would give me a pay bump and title bump I'd more than likely stay. Which means I wouldnt be any closer to Megan or Ani but at least I'd have the funds to have them come visit.
And just to be a guy for a minute. There's this new girl at work with dark hair and a soft voice who really has my attention. And sweet Jesus is she hot. I think her and another guy I work with have a little flirtation going on. Which is cool. He's a good guy.
So, that's me, for now. Still thinking about the ex. Still thinking about the future. Worrying about moving. Enjoying the time with my friends. It may not make a compelling read but that's where I sit. I'm going to try and post more. I see some steady traffic coming through here. I know of one blog that put me on his sidebar, which is awesome. I'm going to try and thank him for that if I can find it again. If you guys see any other blogs with a link to me, let me know so I can thank them.
That's it for now. See you when I see you.
-M
Some big stuff has happened recently though.
On Friday I left for Virginia. I'm back now but I was there. I drove there Friday morning after working a double, so that was fun. Driving 7 hours through mountains after being up for 30 hours. But the drive was relaxing. I didnt smoke as much as I thought I would. And the scenery was amazing. I didn't stay long. Only until Saturday morning. I actually went for a job interview which went fabulously. I'm expecting them to make me an offer soon. Woohoo for directing every day.
I've mentioned Megan before, I believe. She lives about an hour away from where I was. Because of the abruptness of the visit she wasn't able to get off work and we didnt get to see each other. Which sucks, because, well, I really wanted to meet her. When you think about someone in the terms of a possibility of forever, and you're only an hour away from touching their face or hand or hair or what have you, and you don't get to see them, a little part of you makes your heart race and your skin hurt. My skin actually hurt on the way back.
But all in all, a good trip. I'm not sure I really want to leave Ohio. I really do like it here and my family is here. I'm not a person that likes change. Just moving out was crazy enough for me. Moving a 7 hour drive away? I dunno. I've been directing enough lately that if my boss would give me a pay bump and title bump I'd more than likely stay. Which means I wouldnt be any closer to Megan or Ani but at least I'd have the funds to have them come visit.
And just to be a guy for a minute. There's this new girl at work with dark hair and a soft voice who really has my attention. And sweet Jesus is she hot. I think her and another guy I work with have a little flirtation going on. Which is cool. He's a good guy.
So, that's me, for now. Still thinking about the ex. Still thinking about the future. Worrying about moving. Enjoying the time with my friends. It may not make a compelling read but that's where I sit. I'm going to try and post more. I see some steady traffic coming through here. I know of one blog that put me on his sidebar, which is awesome. I'm going to try and thank him for that if I can find it again. If you guys see any other blogs with a link to me, let me know so I can thank them.
That's it for now. See you when I see you.
-M
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I don't know
Maybe this is just something I need to write down right now and I'll not feel this way again. I seriously doubt it.
The number of days I've sat here with this pain is getting to be ridiculous. I'm over you, I'm not. I'm content, I'm a basket case. This is a full body pain. Toes, knees, heart head. Especially head. I have my own little instant replay, just like on ESPN.
"Never put you down
Never pushed you away."
Which is the fucking problem. I never pushed you away after this was over according to one of us. I never fucking pushed you away. And now you're as much a part of my heart as the blood pumping through it. Once you do something for so long its impossible to break that cycle. And yes, sometimes it is impossible.
So why can't it be true that once you feel something for so long it's impossible to break that cycle too?
If this is so, I'm done for the rest of my life. You're it and you're gone.
I'm supposed to get a GPS for my birthday. Is it fucked up that the first thought was "I wonder how it would take me to Youngstown? Would it cut any time off my trip? Oh, remember that time I got caught doing 90 on the way to see her? And the one time she started driving down while I was working and I met her at home. And the one time when she came down so early that when she got there we made love and slept in each other's arms?"
You are the eternal sunshine on my spotless mind.
Without these memories you don't exist. Saved text messages from when I was drunk. Pictures of us I still cant bring myself to highlight and delete.
My heart breaks every month. 30 months. since we got together. How many hearbreaks have I endured?
Not enough. Because I still wont let go. I'm a crazy person and its not enough yet. I hold the tourch that's only got one ember burning.
This tourch will never will never have a flame and my arm long since went numb. But I don't care.
Because you're still the only one that makes it okay.
The number of days I've sat here with this pain is getting to be ridiculous. I'm over you, I'm not. I'm content, I'm a basket case. This is a full body pain. Toes, knees, heart head. Especially head. I have my own little instant replay, just like on ESPN.
"Never put you down
Never pushed you away."
Which is the fucking problem. I never pushed you away after this was over according to one of us. I never fucking pushed you away. And now you're as much a part of my heart as the blood pumping through it. Once you do something for so long its impossible to break that cycle. And yes, sometimes it is impossible.
So why can't it be true that once you feel something for so long it's impossible to break that cycle too?
If this is so, I'm done for the rest of my life. You're it and you're gone.
I'm supposed to get a GPS for my birthday. Is it fucked up that the first thought was "I wonder how it would take me to Youngstown? Would it cut any time off my trip? Oh, remember that time I got caught doing 90 on the way to see her? And the one time she started driving down while I was working and I met her at home. And the one time when she came down so early that when she got there we made love and slept in each other's arms?"
You are the eternal sunshine on my spotless mind.
Without these memories you don't exist. Saved text messages from when I was drunk. Pictures of us I still cant bring myself to highlight and delete.
My heart breaks every month. 30 months. since we got together. How many hearbreaks have I endured?
Not enough. Because I still wont let go. I'm a crazy person and its not enough yet. I hold the tourch that's only got one ember burning.
This tourch will never will never have a flame and my arm long since went numb. But I don't care.
Because you're still the only one that makes it okay.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Eating at the Y
As some of my friends (and every girl I've been with) know, I'm pretty excited at thought of oral sex. And giving more than receiving. I really, really enjoy eating pussy. I'm not going to lie. As I've said before, sometimes I enjoy it more than sex. And no, that's not a statement on my sexual partners, that's just how much I enjoy it.
I love that power. I love being able to completely manipulate how someone reacts. A little bit is the control. I'm also a pleaser. It's pretty obvious in my every day life that I'm a pleaser. I go out of my way for people that really don't deserve it.
But I had a new fantasy today. I thought I would share it.
It's dark and rainy outside. Raining pretty good actually. One of those warm summer rains. Not too humid, just warm. The rain drops give slight relief to the heat of the air all over our bodies. My car is running and the lights are on, but we're in front of it and her shirt is pulled up over her tits. The inside of her skirt is resting on the back of my head while she rests her ass on the hood bracing herself with her hands trying not to yell out while my tongue plays with her clit and she can feel the heat of the engine running against her.
Enjoy :)
I love that power. I love being able to completely manipulate how someone reacts. A little bit is the control. I'm also a pleaser. It's pretty obvious in my every day life that I'm a pleaser. I go out of my way for people that really don't deserve it.
But I had a new fantasy today. I thought I would share it.
It's dark and rainy outside. Raining pretty good actually. One of those warm summer rains. Not too humid, just warm. The rain drops give slight relief to the heat of the air all over our bodies. My car is running and the lights are on, but we're in front of it and her shirt is pulled up over her tits. The inside of her skirt is resting on the back of my head while she rests her ass on the hood bracing herself with her hands trying not to yell out while my tongue plays with her clit and she can feel the heat of the engine running against her.
Enjoy :)
Wise words
A friend of mine wrote this last night and I think it's absolutely perfect. So here ya go...
a couple of hundred years ago, benjamin franklin shared with the world the secret of his success: 'never leave that 'til tomorrow that which you could do today.' this is the man who discovered electricity.. you'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. i don't know why we put things off, but if i had to guess, i'd say it has a lot to do with fear. fear of failure.. fear of pain.. fear of rejection.. sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? what if you make a mistake you can't undo? whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true – there comes a time when the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it.
the early bird catches the worm.. a stitch in time saves nine.. he who hesitates is lost.. we can't pretend we haven't been told. we've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'. still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. we have to make our own mistakes. we have to learn our own lessons. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.. until we finally understand for ourselves what benjamin franklin meant: that knowing is better than wondering.. that waking is better than sleeping.. and that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.
but with that comes pain. pain comes in all forms. the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. we self-medicate, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.
pain.. sometimes you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers. you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time, pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, it hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. this pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.
communication's the first thing we really learn in life. the funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say.. or how to ask for what we really need.
at the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about.. some things we just don't want to hear.. and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. some things you say because you have no other choice. some things you keep to yourself. and not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.
after careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here's what i've decided:
there's no such thing as a grown up. we move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own.. but the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. we get bigger, we get taller, we get older.. but for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying desperately to fit in.
a couple of hundred years ago, benjamin franklin shared with the world the secret of his success: 'never leave that 'til tomorrow that which you could do today.' this is the man who discovered electricity.. you'd think more of us would listen to what he had to say. i don't know why we put things off, but if i had to guess, i'd say it has a lot to do with fear. fear of failure.. fear of pain.. fear of rejection.. sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? what if you make a mistake you can't undo? whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true – there comes a time when the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it.
the early bird catches the worm.. a stitch in time saves nine.. he who hesitates is lost.. we can't pretend we haven't been told. we've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to 'seize the day'. still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. we have to make our own mistakes. we have to learn our own lessons. we have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore.. until we finally understand for ourselves what benjamin franklin meant: that knowing is better than wondering.. that waking is better than sleeping.. and that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.
but with that comes pain. pain comes in all forms. the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain that we live with everyday. then there is the kind of pain you just can't ignore, a level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else, makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. how we manage our pain is up to us. we self-medicate, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it, and for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.
pain.. sometimes you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. there are no solutions, no easy answers. you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. most of the time, pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, it hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. this pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.
communication's the first thing we really learn in life. the funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say.. or how to ask for what we really need.
at the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about.. some things we just don't want to hear.. and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. some things you say because you have no other choice. some things you keep to yourself. and not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.
after careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here's what i've decided:
there's no such thing as a grown up. we move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own.. but the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. we get bigger, we get taller, we get older.. but for the most part, we're still a bunch of kids running around the playground trying desperately to fit in.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I'm on the list
So, today was really, really weird.
First, a little back story. I've been directing at work for about a year. (I work at a television station) I've also been the back up asst. director for about a year and a half. When an asst. director job opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. When two director's jobs opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. Not so much. Got passed up for all 3 positions for one reason or another.
Anyway. We have mandatory meetings 4 times a year. First day of sweeps (or periods in the year where the ratings are taken) is always interesting because these meetings are at 12:30 which means more like 1:15. That may sound fine to you but our producers get up around 10pm at night, I get up around 3am and I'm usually off by 9:30-10am and asleep by noon so trying to stay awake is pretty interesting.
At said meetings they give out these awards for... excellence i suppose. Today, I got one. I'm the only part timer to get one so far.
I'm not the type of guy that needs awards and such but it's nice to know someone is paying attention. And good god was it terrifying standing up in front of EVERYONE that works at my station. Jesus
First, a little back story. I've been directing at work for about a year. (I work at a television station) I've also been the back up asst. director for about a year and a half. When an asst. director job opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. When two director's jobs opened up, I thought I was a shoe in. Not so much. Got passed up for all 3 positions for one reason or another.
Anyway. We have mandatory meetings 4 times a year. First day of sweeps (or periods in the year where the ratings are taken) is always interesting because these meetings are at 12:30 which means more like 1:15. That may sound fine to you but our producers get up around 10pm at night, I get up around 3am and I'm usually off by 9:30-10am and asleep by noon so trying to stay awake is pretty interesting.
At said meetings they give out these awards for... excellence i suppose. Today, I got one. I'm the only part timer to get one so far.
I'm not the type of guy that needs awards and such but it's nice to know someone is paying attention. And good god was it terrifying standing up in front of EVERYONE that works at my station. Jesus
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Hunter
“Myths and legends die hard in America. We love them for the extra dimension they provide, the illusion of near-infinite possibility to erase the narrow confines of most men’s reality. Weird heroes and mould-breaking champions exist as living proof to those who need it that the tyranny of ‘the rat race’ is not yet final.”
—The Great Shark Hunt, 1979
“Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish—a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow—to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested . . . Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
“We are turning into a nation of whimpering slaves to Fear—fear of war, fear of poverty, fear of random terrorism, fear of getting down-sized or fired because of the plunging economy, fear of getting evicted for bad debts or suddenly getting locked up in a military detention camp on vague charges of being a Terrorist sympathizer.”
—”Extreme Behavior in Aspen,” February 3, 2003
“There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
—The Great Shark Hunt, 1979
“Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish—a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow—to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested . . . Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
“We are turning into a nation of whimpering slaves to Fear—fear of war, fear of poverty, fear of random terrorism, fear of getting down-sized or fired because of the plunging economy, fear of getting evicted for bad debts or suddenly getting locked up in a military detention camp on vague charges of being a Terrorist sympathizer.”
—”Extreme Behavior in Aspen,” February 3, 2003
“There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It’s a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die.”
—Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the ’80s, 1988
Friday, April 18, 2008
You get worked (drunk blog)
I've had a falling out with three people I consider close in the past few weeks. Two of them in the past week or so. Obviously, it's something I'm doing to push them away. I get that.
But I can't be anyone but who I am. I can try to be better every day. Some days I fail. Some days I don't. And some days, like today, it's enough to just hold steady.
Today was a little rough. There was an earthquake about 200 miles from where I live in Dayton and it blew up the entire show. Breaking news is always fun because it's a mile a minute and time passes very quickly. But on the other hand, it's really stressful because it's a mile a minute and it's not uncommon to have 30 seconds left in a commercial break and have no idea what we're doing next.
After the week I've had with the fallings out and today's stress, I needed a beer. I'm a little drunk writing this, but I think that's just fine.
So anyway, back to the girls. One, who I'll call H wasn't that big of a deal. We would get together, watch baseball, drink beer, eat unhealthy food and have sex. Was nice but we didn't really connect in a deep way. I need a more girly girl. The sex was good, and it will be missed, but I've lived without it since the ex and I broke up, and I lived.
Now, the second, I'll call M, is a lot bigger deal. I've known M for about 2 years now. I met her about 6 months into my relationship with Michele. We were broken up at the time and M and I started flirting pretty intensely. Michele and I got back together and her and I always reminded friends. Now that I've started looking for jobs, things had gone farther. She always said she wanted to be with me and now that it's a potential option, she's freaking. Suddenly there's interest in her ex and all that. I have pretty serious feelings for her which I started to let develop when this looked like it was going to be a real possibility.
And now it's not. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't playing games. I trusted her completely and I still do in a way. She's one of the most genuine people in the world. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened. I dunno.
Any suggestions?
-M
But I can't be anyone but who I am. I can try to be better every day. Some days I fail. Some days I don't. And some days, like today, it's enough to just hold steady.
Today was a little rough. There was an earthquake about 200 miles from where I live in Dayton and it blew up the entire show. Breaking news is always fun because it's a mile a minute and time passes very quickly. But on the other hand, it's really stressful because it's a mile a minute and it's not uncommon to have 30 seconds left in a commercial break and have no idea what we're doing next.
After the week I've had with the fallings out and today's stress, I needed a beer. I'm a little drunk writing this, but I think that's just fine.
So anyway, back to the girls. One, who I'll call H wasn't that big of a deal. We would get together, watch baseball, drink beer, eat unhealthy food and have sex. Was nice but we didn't really connect in a deep way. I need a more girly girl. The sex was good, and it will be missed, but I've lived without it since the ex and I broke up, and I lived.
Now, the second, I'll call M, is a lot bigger deal. I've known M for about 2 years now. I met her about 6 months into my relationship with Michele. We were broken up at the time and M and I started flirting pretty intensely. Michele and I got back together and her and I always reminded friends. Now that I've started looking for jobs, things had gone farther. She always said she wanted to be with me and now that it's a potential option, she's freaking. Suddenly there's interest in her ex and all that. I have pretty serious feelings for her which I started to let develop when this looked like it was going to be a real possibility.
And now it's not. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't playing games. I trusted her completely and I still do in a way. She's one of the most genuine people in the world. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened. I dunno.
Any suggestions?
-M
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Last year's wishes are this year's apologies
From time to time my mind will wander back to my ex, Michele and I'll not be able to think about much else for a few weeks. I drift off during work. I lose sleep at night. Last night I couldn't fall asleep for about 2 hours and ended up being late for work.
Michele and I had a long, difficult break up. We were together for around 2 years but off and on for the last year and a half. Between her ignoring me and us fighting, there was a lot of wasted time. In theory, we worked. She lived 4 hours north of me and we would try to see each other at least once a month when finances and schedules worked out. Other times, we texted, chatted online and talked on the phone as most couples do. Granted, I was more into the relationship and wanted to talk more than she did. She's pretty independent and I'm pretty insecure.
I'm not too entirely sure what went wrong. It wasn't cheating. She told me after we broke up about that, but it wasn't the reason we broke up. Not the big reason I suppose. I know I wanted more. I wanted her to move down here or me up there. I'm very close to my family but I know I was willing to give up everything down here and move up there if we could be together.
She's not all bad, of course. She's young. Not ready for what I thought I was ready for. I don't blame her for not wanting all that. I do blame her for how all of it went about, though.
But there's a part of me that still wants her to be around. I emailed her the other day and told her I still wanted the lines of communication to be open. She doesn't deserve it. She didn't deserve all the chance I gave her to make it right. But I'm a sucker for her and still keep going back. And while this isn't a play to get her back (she's with someone and I'm happy she's happy), I just know I felt a lot better when she was in my life and I know I could talk to her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
-M
Michele and I had a long, difficult break up. We were together for around 2 years but off and on for the last year and a half. Between her ignoring me and us fighting, there was a lot of wasted time. In theory, we worked. She lived 4 hours north of me and we would try to see each other at least once a month when finances and schedules worked out. Other times, we texted, chatted online and talked on the phone as most couples do. Granted, I was more into the relationship and wanted to talk more than she did. She's pretty independent and I'm pretty insecure.
I'm not too entirely sure what went wrong. It wasn't cheating. She told me after we broke up about that, but it wasn't the reason we broke up. Not the big reason I suppose. I know I wanted more. I wanted her to move down here or me up there. I'm very close to my family but I know I was willing to give up everything down here and move up there if we could be together.
She's not all bad, of course. She's young. Not ready for what I thought I was ready for. I don't blame her for not wanting all that. I do blame her for how all of it went about, though.
But there's a part of me that still wants her to be around. I emailed her the other day and told her I still wanted the lines of communication to be open. She doesn't deserve it. She didn't deserve all the chance I gave her to make it right. But I'm a sucker for her and still keep going back. And while this isn't a play to get her back (she's with someone and I'm happy she's happy), I just know I felt a lot better when she was in my life and I know I could talk to her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
-M
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Hum hallelujah
There's always been an undercurrent of religion in my life. Either from my mother, grandfather (both very religious) or from me. I've been trying to figure out what I really believe since I was in my early teens.
Most of the time, it depended on what day you asked me. Half the time I thought there was a god and Jesus died for our signs and half the time I was a complete atheist. I've always been told I'm more of a scientific person. I have to see it to believe it. And while that isn't true in all cases, it does seem to apply to me most of the time. And that's where my problem with religion comes in.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's admirable that people are willing to believe that there's something more important than them. I think it shows just how "un-selfish" we can really be. And as one of those hippies that thinks we should all be brothers and sisters, that really appeals to me. But what I have a problem with is that the earth is 6,000 years old, a guy with magic powers died because we do bad things and that a supreme being takes an interest in all 6 billion of our lives simultaneously.
Again, don't get me wrong. Like any good scientist, or realist, I don't discount anything. I think it's really possible all that happens. And it's also that some crazy motherfucker back in the day SAID he was all of those things and people believed him and the Romans were like "who da fux is dis guy? Kill his ass. I don't want his kind of crazy infecting my people." And I think it's equally possible its all a system of control.
Now, this is going to make me sound like a kook. Ever seen The Matrix? A lot of people have. Now, I don't realistically think that we're all hooked into a giant computer, waiting for giant machines to liquefy us. Sure, it's possible. But the main theme of that movie, in my opinion, is control. Is religion another system of control? Is it a reason for our leaders to get us to fight their wars? Get them to trust their judgment because they are men of god?
People like Pat Robertson make my fight to figure out the truth all that much harder. Institutionalized religion offends so much of what I believe in. I really don't know how we're supposed to trust that they have a direct link to god and know exactly what he wants us to do or they know who we're supposed to love or what kind of birth control we're allowed to use.
I guess I'm just not trusting enough.
-M
Most of the time, it depended on what day you asked me. Half the time I thought there was a god and Jesus died for our signs and half the time I was a complete atheist. I've always been told I'm more of a scientific person. I have to see it to believe it. And while that isn't true in all cases, it does seem to apply to me most of the time. And that's where my problem with religion comes in.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's admirable that people are willing to believe that there's something more important than them. I think it shows just how "un-selfish" we can really be. And as one of those hippies that thinks we should all be brothers and sisters, that really appeals to me. But what I have a problem with is that the earth is 6,000 years old, a guy with magic powers died because we do bad things and that a supreme being takes an interest in all 6 billion of our lives simultaneously.
Again, don't get me wrong. Like any good scientist, or realist, I don't discount anything. I think it's really possible all that happens. And it's also that some crazy motherfucker back in the day SAID he was all of those things and people believed him and the Romans were like "who da fux is dis guy? Kill his ass. I don't want his kind of crazy infecting my people." And I think it's equally possible its all a system of control.
Now, this is going to make me sound like a kook. Ever seen The Matrix? A lot of people have. Now, I don't realistically think that we're all hooked into a giant computer, waiting for giant machines to liquefy us. Sure, it's possible. But the main theme of that movie, in my opinion, is control. Is religion another system of control? Is it a reason for our leaders to get us to fight their wars? Get them to trust their judgment because they are men of god?
People like Pat Robertson make my fight to figure out the truth all that much harder. Institutionalized religion offends so much of what I believe in. I really don't know how we're supposed to trust that they have a direct link to god and know exactly what he wants us to do or they know who we're supposed to love or what kind of birth control we're allowed to use.
I guess I'm just not trusting enough.
-M
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Breathe
I am a liar. I'm your friend, your co-worker and your mailman. I lie. Every day. And I need somewhere that I can be completely honest. I know its my insecurities and questionable morals that keep me in fear of someone finding out who I really am.
I have no idea if I'll ever update this again. Maybe this is just a momentary crisis in my life. But there's no crisis currently going on. Everything is normal.
I have no idea if I'll ever update this again. Maybe this is just a momentary crisis in my life. But there's no crisis currently going on. Everything is normal.
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