From time to time my mind will wander back to my ex, Michele and I'll not be able to think about much else for a few weeks. I drift off during work. I lose sleep at night. Last night I couldn't fall asleep for about 2 hours and ended up being late for work.
Michele and I had a long, difficult break up. We were together for around 2 years but off and on for the last year and a half. Between her ignoring me and us fighting, there was a lot of wasted time. In theory, we worked. She lived 4 hours north of me and we would try to see each other at least once a month when finances and schedules worked out. Other times, we texted, chatted online and talked on the phone as most couples do. Granted, I was more into the relationship and wanted to talk more than she did. She's pretty independent and I'm pretty insecure.
I'm not too entirely sure what went wrong. It wasn't cheating. She told me after we broke up about that, but it wasn't the reason we broke up. Not the big reason I suppose. I know I wanted more. I wanted her to move down here or me up there. I'm very close to my family but I know I was willing to give up everything down here and move up there if we could be together.
She's not all bad, of course. She's young. Not ready for what I thought I was ready for. I don't blame her for not wanting all that. I do blame her for how all of it went about, though.
But there's a part of me that still wants her to be around. I emailed her the other day and told her I still wanted the lines of communication to be open. She doesn't deserve it. She didn't deserve all the chance I gave her to make it right. But I'm a sucker for her and still keep going back. And while this isn't a play to get her back (she's with someone and I'm happy she's happy), I just know I felt a lot better when she was in my life and I know I could talk to her.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
-M
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