Hum hallelujah

There's always been an undercurrent of religion in my life. Either from my mother, grandfather (both very religious) or from me. I've been trying to figure out what I really believe since I was in my early teens.

Most of the time, it depended on what day you asked me. Half the time I thought there was a god and Jesus died for our signs and half the time I was a complete atheist. I've always been told I'm more of a scientific person. I have to see it to believe it. And while that isn't true in all cases, it does seem to apply to me most of the time. And that's where my problem with religion comes in.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think it's admirable that people are willing to believe that there's something more important than them. I think it shows just how "un-selfish" we can really be. And as one of those hippies that thinks we should all be brothers and sisters, that really appeals to me. But what I have a problem with is that the earth is 6,000 years old, a guy with magic powers died because we do bad things and that a supreme being takes an interest in all 6 billion of our lives simultaneously.

Again, don't get me wrong. Like any good scientist, or realist, I don't discount anything. I think it's really possible all that happens. And it's also that some crazy motherfucker back in the day SAID he was all of those things and people believed him and the Romans were like "who da fux is dis guy? Kill his ass. I don't want his kind of crazy infecting my people." And I think it's equally possible its all a system of control.

Now, this is going to make me sound like a kook. Ever seen The Matrix? A lot of people have. Now, I don't realistically think that we're all hooked into a giant computer, waiting for giant machines to liquefy us. Sure, it's possible. But the main theme of that movie, in my opinion, is control. Is religion another system of control? Is it a reason for our leaders to get us to fight their wars? Get them to trust their judgment because they are men of god?

People like Pat Robertson make my fight to figure out the truth all that much harder. Institutionalized religion offends so much of what I believe in. I really don't know how we're supposed to trust that they have a direct link to god and know exactly what he wants us to do or they know who we're supposed to love or what kind of birth control we're allowed to use.

I guess I'm just not trusting enough.

-M